UK TV: The Apprentice. Week 4: So Long Simon

Something to the tune of 20,000 people were weeded through and this is the best they could come up with? Seriously? This lot makes the last season’s apprentice-wannabes look like decades-of-experience City business pros.

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This week’s assigned task: Set up a photography stand at Bluewater Centre, take photos, get customers to pay for kitsch with aforementioned photos imprinted on them and above all, make a profit. No longer boys vs. girls, Alpha found themselves being managed by technologically inept and argumentative Helene “The Beast” Speight.

Scary Carol Vorderman look-alike, Helene Speight

Their concept was excellent: Get the shoppers to pay for a photo of themselves and/or their kids with a David Beckham impersonator. Helene couldn’t resist the Lucinda-hate bandwagon, went the scapegoat route and placed also-technologically-inept Lucinda in charge of the downloading and printing off of pictures from the cameras. Yeah. Needless to say, that worked as intended. Although despite Helene’s best efforts to sabotage her team with computer dunce Lucinda and repeated Amazon Jenny-inspired catfights, Alpha managed a healthy bit of profit.

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Sadly, the same can’t be said of Renaissance.

Renaissance team was lead by former satellite dish installer and military man Simon “Grooming & Manners” Smith.

Simon “Sir, Yes Sir” Smith

I thought their concept was flaky but it seemed to go over well with Bluewater shoppers: “Glamour” photos taken whilst wearing satin sheeting and costume jewellery. Meh. Alex tried to remove himself from any semblance of involvement or responsibility, hoping this tactic would let him slip under the radar - further proving why his hair resembles a rat’s nest. Claire “Siren Song of Death” Young played the role of schoolyard bully, rebuffing and arguing with Simon at any given opportunity. Needless to say, when Renaissance failed to make a profit during the task, Alex and Claire were going to join Simon in the boardroom.

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In front of the firing squad, Alex lied through his teeth again. This time when being questioned about his lack of wanting any added responsibility for the task, Sir Alan’s sidekick Margaret was there to reveal the truth about Alex’s “I only work here” attitude. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to sway the decision. Hopefully, one week, Alex’s conniving ways will come back to bite him squarely and firmly on his lying arse. End result of Week 4: Rat-Bastard Alex and a Voice-to-Kill Claire stay and Simple Simon goes home.

Next week’s task involves coming up with new flavours of icecream. Clicky here for my recap of the previous 3 weeks.

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By the way, these women are laying it on thicker and thicker each week. They’re single-handedly giving business women a bad name with their estrogen-laden bitch-fests - maybe a little less catfighting and a little more substance is in order, ladies? “Business woman” doesn’t need to equate to “bitch”, does it?

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